Dichotomies

Life is often contradictory. And I'm finding being a stay-at-home mom to be so as well. Primarily in the area of expectations and discipline.

We Catholics/Christians are imperfect beings striving for perfection. We are created with concupiscence yet attempting to not sin. It is also so with our disciplining of our children. While we must strive to accept where they are in their development and in their paths to holiness, we must also help them to become the best people they can be, through prayer, discipline, and teaching. Now, that doesn't sound so hard.

But this is exactly where I am struggling. Disobedience. Ugh! I had a little meltdown yesterday. Ok, a big meltdown yesterday. Luckily I was at my mom's and dad's house, and my mom was able to take the kids while I went into the bedroom and cried. She was also able to explain to them, in a way that I was at the time unable to do, that they must obey. And it also helps when it comes from Grandma rather than from Mom. The boys, especially the older one, had been very disobedient the last 10 days, and very melodramatic, a combination that leaves me bewildered and unsure as to what to do. On one hand, he needs discipline; on the other hand, he needs support and compassion.

So he tested me and drove me to my breaking point, and now, after having seeing me that way, he is listening and obeying fairly well. At least for now. But why did he need to see where my breaking point was before he would obey?

So at this time, accepting where the boys are in their development and their path to holiness while helping to mold them into good, holy people seems like a looming, very difficult task.

A Beginning: Where I am Now

I am nearly done with my third week home. Since first seeing that line on the first home pregnancy test, and really before then, I have wanted to be home with my kids. My mom was home with the four of us. And she was really my primary source of stability in my life, a gift for which I will always be grateful, a gift I know came with difficulties and sacrifices. I want to give my own children the same gift.

My husband and I have been working toward my staying home for at least four years now. We moved away from my parents, a very difficult move for me to make, so that we could live in an area where the cost of living is really significantly lower, thus making it easier to live off of one income. When even that alone did not allow us the luxury of my staying home, my husband made the choice to return to school and get another degree that would allow him to have a significantly higher income. After three years of 15-18 credits per semester and 6+ credits per summer, he has gotten his Bachelor's degree in accounting and business and has gotten a job about 20 min south of our home in a foundry's accounting department.

On July 25, 2011, exactly 6 years to the day after our first child was born, I officially became a stay-at-home mom. I am excited to give my two boys, ages 6 and 4 1/2, a mom who is always available to them, stability, the knowledge that they are loved greatly, and a grounding in faith, just as my mom had done for my brothers and I.

The first three weeks of my being at home have been a roller coaster of sorts, as I'm sure is true for all moms who stay home, every week. But I am also learning this new trade. I am new to all of this, in many ways, at least to the uninterrupted time with the kids. At first, it seemed as though my children, especially my melancholic 6 year old, were responding very well to my being home, really settling into a happier state of mind, and responding well to an overall decrease in stress and busyness in our home. This week, I'm seeing just the opposite. My 6 year old is struggling to behave, and I've been trying to figure out why he is so consistently difficult and disobedient, complaining and whining and threatening to throw his toys away at the drop of a hat, or the drop of a word encouraging him to say please. His extreme melancholy this week has been very frustrating to me, especially as I am also prone to being melancholic and have struggled to learn, and am still very much struggling in learning, to accept things as they are and to trust in our Good Lord.

This is my struggle, and this is my beginning. A hopeful beginning, tempered by concerns and questioning, and uncertainty. But rooted in trust and in need to trust more fully in Him Who has given my family and me this opportunity and has answered my prayers.